I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
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i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.