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Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I was just discussing this with my cat
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.