Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
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*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
what’s the point then??
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet