GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
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Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and