Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
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I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Maths meets science
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Ovenable?
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.