I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart