Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
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DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
your honor my client chooses dare
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Nomnomnomnom
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
File under excellent bookstore names.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
My favorite farside!!
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise