i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
You Might Also Like
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
How can I say no to this ?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
How animals would run if they were human
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.