can’t talk my ride’s here
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”