Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
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Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock