You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
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My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
#SuperBowl
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.