No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
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Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
what kind of cook setting is this??
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I wish I could veto my bills.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.