From my Mom
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Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
inventing words: clothing
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Sing it!
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.