I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
*cough*
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.