Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
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Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.