Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
You Might Also Like
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️