Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
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Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
set yourself free xox
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?