My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
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Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.