[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
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My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.