I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
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*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors