When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
You Might Also Like
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes