I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
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ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect