*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
You Might Also Like
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
beware of dog
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
dictator is short for richard potato
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.