Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
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16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby