BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children