Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
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Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.