My hips? Compulsive liars.
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A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Noted.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.