My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
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Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.