If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.