Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
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looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Wait a second…
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
My what?
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night