After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
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Expectations vs. Reality
guys I’m going home
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?