Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
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Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.