All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
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I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.