“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
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My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
At least my masseuse has my back.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause