I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
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I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.