Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
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Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible