She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
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If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
DOOO EEEET
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser