*3.5 thank you very much.
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Maybe jesus needs me in his life
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?