8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
You Might Also Like
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Has there ever been a more American story?
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is