Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
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Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.