every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
You Might Also Like
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
tell em, edith-anne
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now