“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
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what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
In case you needed to hear it:
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes