Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
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If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks