Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
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Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.