I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
You Might Also Like
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sharon I have some bad news
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?