The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
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Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”