My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩