no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
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Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
In case you needed to hear it:
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards