(before sex)
*sings national anthem
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Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Spring of Deception
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.