According to math, I’m broke
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I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Print is alive and well!!!
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.